LET ME SaY

let me say
goodbye
for i won't see
my love for a time

my heart shall
bleed with want.
my soul will
tear in sorrow.

the days seem
longer
the wind grows ever
colder

i seek for
his presence
though he doesn't
seek mine.

i thought
i've let go
of him.
but

a wish still
echoes
in the depths
of my soul

his presence,
still
in the walls
of my mind.

a mere echo
but it is
still there.
echoing.

causing me
happiness yet pain.
such a feeling
of sweet suffering.

i wish to be let go of
yet
i do not want
to let go

to forget
to move on.
i am still filled
with yearning

for him
and longing
to feel
his love.

but i cannot
have him
for his heart
is not mine

so
let me say
goodbye
though

this heart
of mine will
never say
goodbye.

UNTiTLED

..
With half-closed eyes I write this down
with a tired mind and a little frown.
But as I go on, remembering the day,
it's not really bad - it's just quite gray.
..
Black and white combined makes gray
and that's just how I describe the day
So now, without so much as a frown,
with half-open eyes I write this down.
..

THE MiSTY WiNDOW

I.

One fine day, I stopped in front of a house without knowing why...

It is a house with walls of the palest cream and windows of the simplest oak. Although it may seem ordinary, something is driving me closer to it. It is this certain window whose glass panes are misty. Yes, it does seem very strange for it is a clear and sunny day. I approached slowly and cautiously as though I might see something quite unusual through the window.

A girl—that’s all there is inside the room through that certain window. There she is, in the middle of her bed, reading a book. She looks quite young, probably in her late teens, but her face has the sweetness of a little girl. It would have been quite ordinary if it weren’t for the tears running down her cheeks. Oh, I couldn’t see her profile which was turned a bit away from the window, but there are tears – streaming down the contour of her face and falling down the red cover of the book she had just finished reading. No, I don’t think it is the book she is crying about, not unless she is as feeble as a child who would cry at the story of Little Red Riding Hood. It made me wonder why though, of all the books in her shelf, she would pick this one to cry on.

I pondered on a lot of things about the girl I saw as I slowly walked away from her window and from the house. Something about her stroke a chord in me and the grief she radiated was simply overwhelming, and so I tried to recall the story of the Little Red Riding Hood.

II.

I find myself stopping in front of that same house again. Almost everything is the same although the weather isn’t. There are thick and heavy clouds rolling in the sky, covering most of the light of the sun. Once more, I feel the strange pull of the window, and I approach it without so much hesitation.

The girl is still sitting on her bed holding the red book. She is just staring at the wall opposite her bed – staring as though a TV is there and she is watching her favorite movie. But, no, her favorite movie isn’t on… there’s no TV… it’s just an ordinary wall. Suddenly, as my attention went back to her, I realized tears were flowing down her face yet again. There is something uncomfortably eerie with the way she is crying so silently while her eyes are fixed on the wall


I watched her as she cried; not giving a care about the time that had passed by. Something just pulled me and left me standing there, watching the girl as she cried. Slowly, she laid down the red book by her side and silently sat on the edge of her bed. As though she was sitting on fire, she suddenly stood up and ran to her bath, slamming the door shut. I am left here, wondering why all of a sudden she ran as though her life depended on it.

The sky is quickly turning gray, and little drops of rain are falling down. I wanted to move, to run, but I feel rooted to the spot - transfixed on something which other people would not find special.

Then everything went black.

III.

I open my eyes and the rain is already falling very hard, and I’m standing out here, dripping wet, not knowing how long I’ve been here or why I’m even here. I’m in front of the house again but I can just feel like there’s something wrong. In search of the comfort of familiarity, I instinctively ran to the misty window that doesn’t look out of place anymore in this weather.There I see the same girl… facing the window with her face half-eaten by shadows, sitting, no… slumped… to the wall, on the floor by her bed. The next thing I saw shocked me to the core. She limply tries to lay down her arm, and it, instead, drops to her side exposing a hand covered in blood. Blood as deeply red as the book she read—blood which is still flowing from the fresh cut on her wrist.

I told myself to move and call for help. Doesn’t anyone know what’s going on here?! My mind is screaming mad with commands to my body but my limbs are frozen. All I can hear are the deep thuds of my heart as I try to grasp what lay before me. Lightning came and flooded the room with light and I suddenly realize… that the girl was looking at me in the eyes. I gasped as I saw her face, her eyes – that blank look. It's all too familiar. Thunder crashed and as sudden as the sound rang in my ear, I felt a surge of excruciating pain in my chest – a pain that is a combination of certain emotions. I felt it radiate and seep into my hands. Fear, anger, hopelessness, self-pity, loneliness – they are only a part of what I'm feeling. It’s too familiar, these emotions. It’s as though they were there before and I have only neglected about them. I look up; glancing at the girl, but something else caught my attention - the glass of the window and my reflection.

I stared at my reflection and saw my face and burst into tears. I wept as loud and as long as the mother kneeling on the doorway and the wail of the siren in the unseen distance.

IV.

Someone is weeping – crying the genuine tears of a shaken child as though it is capable of realizing that the world is coming to an end… as if it can understand emotions as though there is no more hope and that there is only pain left in the world. On and on it goes, and it wouldn’t stop. I opened my eyes and I realized that it's me.

It was me. I looked around and everything is covered in blood and tears stained with crimson are flowing down my face and I am still on my bed. When I saw my reflection, everything went back to me. All those problems, the pain, the depression, and, yes, the sad ending of it all.

But then again, this is isn’t the end is it? Or maybe it is. I don’t know how and I am unable to stop the flow of tears and the sense of grief in my breath. The blood is still pooling all around me. I’m on my bed, sitting down, staring at the red book.

I stand up and I feel the tingle of weakness in every single part of what’s left of me. Slowly, I walk up to the window. It looked bright and beautiful outside, but I was stuck here. The door reflected blood all over it, and the window will always be misty through my eyes.

The house is already empty. I do not know how long it has been – an eternity, maybe. But who cares? I’m all alone in this world.

-Fine-

Red, thanks for all your help!!!

LETTiNG GO

Remembering the time when we're together
In a love, I thought, will last forever
But then there came a day
When you had to go away

I watched your back as you leave
Wondering how I can ever live
Without you and your love that's so real
Do you even know how I feel?

I think of you every now and then
Wondering when I will see you again
Do you know that I can't live without you?
Do you feel the same way as I do?

So many questions enter my mind
and I just feel so left behind.
So lost and confused I still live on
just wishing that you've never gone

But then there are other things to be done
than wonder what might have been if you haven't gone.
Realizing that you're not here anymore -
as you have already gone through that door.

Letting go is a hard thing to do
and it just gets harder and harder as I think it through.
But still, I should let you go and move on
and let the feelings in my heart be gone.

So, farewell to you my friend and love.
I'll just leave all to the heavens above.
whatever might happen, I just don't know.
But here's the thing - I'm letting you go.

SWEET SUFFERiNG

: SWEET SUFFERiNG - draft

SERiES

Remembering the time when i first saw you
never fails to bring my heart in a flurry of happiness
- and a deliver a smile on my face too.
Oh, such feeling of delight and gladness!

--

Alive - It's what I feel whenever it's you i see
and I just can't help but try to get close to you
'cause being with you brings so much happiness to me.
Is it too much to hope that you feel the same way too?

--

Life without you would seem dull and gray
and so, my lonely heart will keep on seeking
for the one who makes my life happy and gay
- and can make my life so fulfilling.

--

Praying to God that you're someone for me.
Asking for guidance if what i'm feeling is good
- and if God means it to be.
For, if it's not His will, this love i shall elude.

--

Hoping and imploring, my soul is feeling
love and happiness, but fear and apprehension too.
Afraid of pain, my soul is asking:
'Why am i feeling this? Why do i love you?'

PAiN

a voice is screaming inside of me.
screaming for things that ought to be.
some words unsaid and things not done,
some of the reasons why i can't move on.

as time pass by, some feelings I still hide
and the hurt grows deeper and darker inside.
Minutes turn to hours and hours into days
so many things coming together in different ways.

hot fire and sharp thorns tear at my heart
burning, hurting, and tearing me apart.
at times I feel such rage and bitterness
for this life and the pains that seem so endless.

I lose the desire to live and to go on.
some hope and faith already left and gone.
All of what's left are quite lost,
because of some things of the past.

where are the friends who ought to be there?
where are the people who, I thought, will care?
where is the love, the joy, the bliss?
why are there only problems that never cease?

life, it seems, has left me alone and weak
so weak, that I cannot even speak
but are there really ears willing to listen,
so that this pain I feel will lessen?

all have different lives and things to tend to
different things to think about and things to do.
will there ever be anyone who'll care enough to ask
ask about the girl hiding inside the mask.

even with the tears inside,
facing the world with a big smile.
msking the hurt and the pains all together.
the mask I wear is getting heavier.

how I wish for this misery to end.
I pray to God for some grace to send.
send me some angel in this lonely earth
for I'm losing hope with all these hurt.

DEJA VU

Prologue
for Art Studies 2.

BOOM! CLASH!

I was jolted from sleep by a clash of lightning and thunder. The room is dark and cold. Occasional flashes of lightning brighten the room, creating a creepy ambiance.
‘I’m sixteen, and I’m still scared of storms’, I shiver.

Gusts of wind are blowing harshly through the trees, bending them, making them look like creatures in the shadow.

The furious howl of the wind accompanied by the piercing clash of thunder made me jump off my bed. ‘I can’t take this anymore,’ I say to myself as I turned on the bedside lamp. The bleary light of the digital watch beside the lamp caught my attention.

12:00

‘Midnight...’ I was even more freaked out. ‘Why is it that I’m looking at this watch at exactly midnight?’

I decided not to think about it anymore, ‘Just go back to sleep and don’t scare yourself,’ I sighed. ‘It will be a fine, bright day when you wake up.’



I.

I fell into a dreamless sleep, and when I woke up, it wasn’t what I had expected.
The day which I thought will be a beautiful one, just like how a prairie is after a storm, turned out to be the exact opposite of what I had in mind before I slept. ‘Oh well,’ I sighed as I went to the bathroom to do the usual morning routine. ‘At least it isn’t too dark anymore…’
After that hot, steamy bath, I went downstairs to have breakfast. It’s already 8 o’clock and it’s raining harder than ever.
Hmm… it seems quiet. Way too quiet. Where are my parents? They’re usually having breakfast at this hour.
Stomach growling, I went to the fridge to find something to eat. There, on the refrigerator door, was a note from Mom.


Roxanne,
Your Dad and I have a some errands to run. There are some leftovers in the fridge, but you can barbeque the marinated meat if the weather’s improved, or you can just call for delivery. We still haven’t been able to do the groceries, so I don’t think you have a lot of choices for your meals. Sorry. I left some money for you in our room.
Remember our house rules, ok? And mind your responsibilities.
God bless you.
Love,
Mom
P.S.
We don’t know what time we’ll be able to get back home. It depends on the errands we have to run, ok?



‘Oh well, At least Ate Karen’s still here.’ I sigh again as I scan the fridge for leftovers. ‘Hmm… How about some spaghetti? Not for breakfast. Roast beef? Nope. I’m not in the mood for roast beef. Vegetable Salad? Urgh, this is still from our Noche Buena. Eww.’
Looking in the freezer, I found some poultry and meat, ready to be barbequed. ‘Great. Just great!’ I cried out, stomping my feet with the normal attitude of a teenager.
Mumbling to myself all the way to the phone, I searched the drawers for the delivery numbers. ‘Hmm… McDonald’s? Jollibee? Red Ribbon? Aling Nena’s Eatery? Oh well, McDonald’s will just have to do.’
Picking up the phone, I dialed.
Rrrrrring!
Rrrrrring!
Operator: 8-MCDO Delivery, how may I help you?
Me: Oh yes, good morning. Uh, I’m gonna ha -
Operator: - We’re sorry, but due to the state of weather, we will not be able to make any deliveries today. Sorry for the inconvenience.

‘Grr… So much for 24-hour delivery! I really hate talking to answering machines! Alright then, let’s give the others a shot.’

A few minutes later…

‘I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!!!’ I groaned, placing the receiver back. ‘What’s left? Aling Nena’s Eatery…”

Aling Nena: Good morning!
Me: Hi Aling Nena, its Roxanne. May I have a -
Aling Nena: Oh, dear, I’m sorry, but we can’t accept any deliveries today… The weather is just too bad for our delivery man.
Me: B-b-but… I’m just a block away! Can’t you take it into consideration? Please?
Aling Nena: I’m very sorry dear, but we really can’t. You’re welcome to come here, though.
Me: Oh well. Thanks anyway. The rain is too strong.

Sighing, I put down the phone and went off to wake Ate Karen, but on the way up, I remembered something VERY important: My one and only sister is not here today. She slept over at her best friend’s house last night. I almost cried at that point. There’s a storm right now, I’m all alone in the house in this creepy weather, and I’m starving. Sighing, I sank into the sofa in a stupor, praying for my parents to come home.

RRRRrrriiiinnggg!!!!







III.




RRRRrrriiiinnggg!!!!

It was the doorbell.

Snapping back to reality, I jumped to the door, got the umbrella and ran to the gate. ‘I hope it’s my parents! God sure answers prayers real quick…’
Expecting to see our car as I opened the gate, I looked up to see a man holding an umbrella and a very pregnant woman in a cape whose face is hidden. I almost jumped from my skin in shock and surprise. A horde of different thoughts filled my mind. ‘What should I do? I don’t know these people,’ I was freaking out.

“Excuse me,” said the man. “we’re having some trouble here with our car. I’ve managed to call this tra- uh, what’s it called again, honey?” The man asked the woman, looking at the motorcycle with a side car attached to it.
“Tricycle,” said the woman in the cape.
‘Hmm. Her voice seems familiar,” I thought. “and the man looks kind of familiar too,’
“Please,” the woman continued. “Our car broke down and my husband is going to the town for some help and I don’t think I’m up for some more traveling.” she said, referring to her swollen belly and the state of the weather. “Would you please allow me to stay in your place for a while? You don’t have to fuss over me or anything…”

I looked at the couple, and felt a rush of compassion for them.

“I guess its okay.” I said. “but I’m having a bit of a problem here myself. You see, I don’t have any food to provide you.”

“Oh, it’s alright. We have a lot of packed stuff here” said the woman.

‘Great! Thank God!’, I thought.

“Gee, alright then. Welcome to my home.” I shrugged.

“Bye honey,” said the woman, kissing her husband goodbye. “Take care!”

“Take care of yourselves too,” said the man. “All three of you,” he smiled and waved goodbye, riding the tricycle.





IV.




The woman and I almost ran to the front door of my house. We were really soaked with the rain.
“So, this is our house.” I said, as we entered the living room. “It’s not much, but it’s home. I’ll go prepare some snacks” I went to the kitchen to take care of the packed foods and to get some eating utensils. “You make yourself right at home, alright?”

“It’s really great!” said the woman, still in the living room. “By the way, where can I change my clothes? And, uh, I still don’t know your name.”

“You can change in the bathroom. The door’s at your left.” Mentally, I was kicking myself for my utter foolishness and naivety. I just let a complete stranger in our house. A couple of ‘what-if’s’ ran through my mind. Oh well. She seems like a nice woman anyway.

“Uh, I’m Roxanne,” I said, walking into the dining room as she walked from the bathroom and into the living room. “And you are?”

As she turned to face me, I was so shocked that I almost dropped the plates I’m holding.

“Oh, I’m Lea…” she said.

“Lea… Salonga.” I choked out.

She smiled.




V.




I am so embarrassed.

I’m a lifetime fan of this international superstar, and she’s standing right there in the middle of our living room.

“Are you ok?” Lea asked. Lea Salonga. The Miss Saigon. The Tony Award Winner. THE Lea Salonga. “You seem a bit pale…”

“Er, I’m fine… I’m just preparing some snacks…” I stuttered. I’m still in a state of shock.

“Great!” she said. “It’s chow time! Come on, I’ll go help you prepare”

“Gee, thanks.” I blushed.

And so, we went off to the kitchen.





VI.




The day couldn’t be any better. Although the weather is still at its worst, MY day couldn’t get any better.
What could be better than hanging around with your favorite celebrity and idol, and exchanging stories?

“Oh yeah,” I remembered, “I have to call my mom; I still haven’t told her that you’re here.”

The phone call with my mom went smoother than what I had expected. At first, I thought that she’s going to think that I’m psychotic or I’m hallucinating or something. But, well, she believed me.

“Great!” I went back to the couch where we were lounging. “She says it’s okay.” I laughed as I grabbed some chips. “I thought she won’t believe me, or that she’ll think I’ve gone loco or something.”

“Really?” said Lea, laughing. “Why would she think that?”

“Well, you see, I’m a really big fan of yours…” I explained. “Hope I’m not freaking you out because it was almost an obsession. I mean, I wanted to be like you and so I tried my luck in theater but I can’t do anything in this province. We’re not really that active in stage performing.”

“Oh... Don’t worry, I’m not freaked out.” she said, laughing. “What do you do now? Where are you studying?”

“Well, I’m a freshman right now at the University of the Philippine’s College of Music, majoring in violin.” I answered. Wow. This feels like a talk show. Ha-ha!


“Wow! Really?” she exclaimed. “I’ve always wanted to learn how to play the violin!”

“Yeah,” I laughed. “I kind of knew that already.”

“Yeah?” She chuckled.

“Oh, hey, the rain has stopped!”

“Indeed…” I whispered. “It’s so beautiful outside..”

RRRRrrrinngg!!! RRRRrrrinngg!!!





VII.




RRRRrrrinngg!!! RRRRrrrinngg!!!

I opened my eyes.

Sunshine shocked me as my eyes adjusted to the light.

RRRRrrrinngg!!! RRRRrrrinngg!!!

I reached out and snoozed the clock. Weird. It’s 8 o’clock. I didn’t even remember going to bed.

Where’s Lea?

I pondered over a lot of things as I went down the stairs.

There in the dining room, sat my parents and my sister.

“Mom? Dad? Ate? What time did you arrive? Where’s Lea?” I asked, in a state of confusion.

“Silly. What are you talking about?” My sister teased, “You’re really getting old.”

“Mom?” Alright, now I’m even more confused.

“What are you talking about? And Lea who?” asked my Mom. “Are feeling sick?”

“Maybe she is. I think we should go to the hospital,” my dad suggested.

“No, Dad, I’m perfectly fine.” I said. “I just had a… dream… that’s all.”

‘A dream? Was it really a dream?’ I kept asking myself, perplexed.

“Alright” said Mom, “but if you feel a little different, tell me, ok? There’s a really big storm coming later. And, Karen, make sure you’ve packed everything for your sleepover.”

‘A storm? Hadn’t it just ceased?’ I wanted to ask, but I kept silent to avoid further interrogation.




VIII.




‘What a weird day. Way too weird.’ I pondered as I got myself ready for bed. Although it was a weird day for me, I got through it fine enough.

The sky is getting darker now, and storm clouds are rolling in the sky.

‘Oh boy’, I mused as I looked out the window. ‘This is going to be a scary storm.’

With that thought in mind, I lay down to a fitful sleep, bothered by the constant rage of the storm.




EPILOGUE



BOOM! CLASH!

I was jolted from sleep by a clash of lightning and thunder. The room is dark, and it was cold. Occasional flashes of lightning brighten the room, creating a creepy ambiance.
‘I’m sixteen, and I’m still scared of storms’, I shiver.

Gusts of wind are blowing harshly through the trees, bending them, making them look like creatures in the shadow.

The furious howl of the wind accompanied by the piercing clash of thunder made me jump off my bed. ‘I can’t take this anymore,’ I say to myself as I switch the bedside lamp. The bleary light of the digital watch beside the lamp caught my attention.

12:00 A.M.

‘Midnight… Midnight?!’


Déjà Vu.


THE END

PRoLOGUE

PROLOGUE


THE LIGHTHOUSE
I.

It was a peaceful night.

I was awakened from my sleep by a strange coldness spreading in the room. Opening my eyes, I saw a vision in light – a figure from long ago.
.
Of course, one would think that I’ve gone mad, but I can assure you that this is not a dream. It’s not everyday when the dead sets out to visit the living.

I tried to see if this is just a dream but it’s just too realistic.

I just sat there, stunned, staring at him while he was relating to me what I’m supposed to do. Apparently, his last violin caprice is hidden in this place.

‘Please find it and play it,’ he beseeched to me. ‘Play it at the top of the lighthouse so I can here it from the heavens above.’
Well, who am I to reject the request of the renowned composer and violinist? ‘It would be an honor for me, sir.’ I replied.

‘Merci beaucoup, mademoiselle.’ And with that he vanished.


II.


As I left the house, a warm breeze from the Mediterranean enveloped me, welcoming me to this foreign place. Nice, France is a great place – a place I have chosen to spend a quiet vacation, though it seems now that this trip is not going to be the ordinary one I had expected.

Going into the lighthouse, I searched. For almost half the day, I searched the whole place, going up and down, looking everywhere. Just as I was going out of the lighthouse, I noticed that one of the floor boards was creaking. And so, I went on and pried off the floor boards. Inside that small gap beneath the floor, I saw an old chest wherein is the final caprice of Paganini. The manuscript was old and yellow, but I am still able to read the notes. Inside my head, I can already hear the sweet melody of the piece.

In accordance to the final request of Paganini, I went back to the beach house and got my violin. From the distance, I looked at the lighthouse and I looked so neglected and lonely. It seemed like it needed some company. Shaking my head to rid of all these weird thoughts, I trudged to the top of the lighthouse.

The majestic view of the Mediterranean welcomed me as I opened the door at the top of the lighthouse. Sighing, I glanced at the breathtaking sunset. I didn’t even occur to me that I spent the whole day searching for the hidden composition. I set up the piece, the stand, and my violin. With all concentration I started the last caprice of Nicolo Paganini.

The emotion I felt was overbearing as I led to a high point of the piece. I can feel the wind enveloping me, getting harsher and stronger in the most unnatural manner. The next thing I knew, I was falling - falling down the length of the light house… the cliff… and into the ocean. I kept my violin close to me. It was vibrating with so much energy – with all my passion.

I am still falling lower… deeper. And then, there’s only darkness.

I can’t feel, hear or see anything. No emotion. No passion. No pain.

Nothing.



III.


Gasping for air, I opened my eyes. Water was pouring down my face and neck.

I sat up, and I came face to face with a stranger.
‘Are you alright?’ he asked. ‘I was just passing by and you seemed to be having a nightmare and you wouldn’t wake up so I whisked some water on you. I’m sorry but there’s no other choice.’

Wide-eyed, I looked. Everything was still the same except that I was lying on a picnic mat, with a painting easel in front of me, and my dear violin beside me.

‘Uhh…’ I replied. I can’t seem to speak. I am still too confused.
He stared at me, concerned. I stared back, lost in my own thoughts. I still can’t form any though into words.
‘You seem to be in a daze, miss. Are you staying at the house over there?’
I nodded.

‘How about I help you get back there?’ He suggested, and I smiled in gratitude.

‘Are you here all alone? I’m Michael, by the way.’ the guy asked. I hoped that he is not some psychotic man who has a fixation for damsels in distress. Oh well. He seems like a nice enough guy.

‘I’m Roxanne, and yes, I’m alone here…’ I replied. ‘I came here to get some rest and some time to focus on my music, and just some time to retreat from the world. What about you? You don’t seem like you’re from around here yourself’

‘Well,’ he chuckled. ‘I’m also here for vacation. I’m an engineer, and I wanted to check out that light house. Probably try to make it into a tourist spot.


‘Oh.. So you’re evaluating the lighthouse. How is it?’

‘Well, the whole of it is fine enough although some floor boards on the first floor have to be replaced.’

‘Why? What do you think happened there?

‘Well, there’s this story from the locals that this house and that lighthouse has been haunted for centuries. A few decades ago, there was this young lady who came here for vacation. It was rumored that she suddenly went crazy for no reason, walking up and down the lighthouse for days, and ruining the floorboards. After a few days, she just jumped off the tower with her violin and some fishermen found her body a few days later.’

‘Oh…’ Too shocked to say anything, I just looked down, picturing the events clearly on my mind. They were all too familiar.


IV.


‘Well, that is indeed curious.’ I finally managed to say. I’ll probably tell here of my dream some other time if we get to know each other better.

‘Yes, it is… What a loss,’ he said, shaking his head. ‘It seemed like that young woman was a very promising violinist. She was especially good at playing Paganini caprices – a virtuoso who was very close to reaching the peak of her career. I wonder what made her jump off the lighthouse. It may just not be due to her craziness. Why would she even go crazy in the first place?”

“Have you done any research on that?” I say, looking out the window. The sunset is breathtaking.

“I’m planning to… Hey, I’m just wondering,’ he stated quite shyly – I was still staring at the sunset. It feels all too familiar. ‘Would you like to go to the town for dinner?’

‘Oh, I’d love too.’ I say, looking back at him.

Together, we walked down the beach and rode off to town.


V.


The figure at the top of the lighthouse stared at the retreating couple. She then looked at the man standing beside her. Nicolo Paganini – the reason why she was here. He had her trapped in this tower – just because he was feeling lonely. Just because he was in need for some company.

‘There’s something so familiar about her,’ the figure said, staring at the young lady on the beach. ‘She reminds me of myself when I was her age. And that man… he reminds me of someone very dear to me. Someone from long ago. Is it really like this when you’ve been wandering around for decades, hopelessly trapped in this tower – being unable to remember some things as though they were just a dream. Everything from my life seems so foggy.’

‘What are you thinking about, cher?’ said Nicolo.

‘Oh. It’s nothing. It’s just that the sunset is lovely – as it has always been for the decades I’ve been here.’ She said, looking once again at the couple.

They seem so perfect, as though they were placed together for some reason.

‘Oh well. They’ll be back. And when they return, I shall make my next move.



THE END
Of Prologue

Next chapter: “Conversations”

11-19-05

I know it's my fault to feel this way for you
and I know, I don't have a right to get hurt on what you do
I'm just a friend and I know I'm nothing more
but you made me feel somethingI haven't felt before

A jolt - a shock, whenever it's you I see
Such a feeling that has never occured to me.
What is this thing that I am feeling
- that with it comes such a joy of being.

Now I realize that, indeed, I have fallen.
Fallen in love and it feels a lot like dreaming.
But harsh reality brought me down to my knees
with tears and such pain that might never ease.

And then again, I just knew
I can never give enough and what's good for you.
I can't give you happiness or pleasure
and I know I'm not someone you'll deeply treasure.

But though it's like that, I can give you a good thing.
My heart and love - the center of my whole being.
But still it seems like you cannot see,
so I took it as it's not meant to be.

Now here I am, still trying to move on
but a thought suddenly came to me at dawn.
Back then was when my heart is torn
and I still can't forget what I have sworn.

"I'll give you my whole self even though you can't acccept
I'll give you everything, and this I'll never regret.
Though to you, I'm nothing more than just a friend,
you will have my love until the end."

WRiTING IT ALL DOWN

Staring at some space while passing time,
thinking of words that can be used to rhyme.
Releasing pain through words on this paper,
feeling as though my hearts been torn by a razor.

With a bleeding heart I write all emotion,
writing down words with so much passion.
One by one, the words come together,
forming a poem that will last forever.

RAiNFALL

The sun is bright up in the sky
with all the birds flying high
The sky is peaceful, blue and gay
- it does seem like a perfect day.

Then the clouds come - all soft and nice
coming around in all shapes and size,
seeming so soft and gently flowing by
- bringing the wind that's like heaven's sigh

The wind is blowing, so gentle and cool,
feeling so soft, as though it's wool.
Humming a tune that's almost never heard
- the melody so sweet as though it's by a bird.

But perfect moments just have to end
because one cannot always pretend.
So now it is the time to reflect
- Life, it seems, is not perfect.

And so gray clouds now come drifting.
So dark, cold, and heavy-looking.
There is nothing now in the gray sky
- with no sun there shining high.

There are no birds now singing songs,
but only thunder like a clash of gongs.
The wind that once was cool and gentle
- is now so cold, heavy and cruel.

The heavy clouds roll and clash
floating into each other, they crash.
The time has come for the inevitable.
It is now the time for rain to fall.

---
-by meeeh
(just have to get this off my chest so I can focus on my violin..)

BEYOND WoRDS

You're my friend and yes, it's true
that there's no one other than you
to break the walls in my heart
and give my life quite a start.

Our bond of friendship is not that strong
that's because we haven't known each other long
But you taught me things I'd have never known
and wouldn't have figured out on my own.

But why does this hurt so much -
this feeling that came to me in a rush
you, being more than a friend, is what I see,
and that, I know, should not be.

Two separate worlds from where we came
Meeting each other, to fate I blame
'Cos such a thing I'm feeling right now,
to deal with it, I don't know how.

When you have troubles, to me you turn
and in my eyes, the tears will burn
because I know that I'll always do
anything and everything you ask me to

It's hurting me, do you not know
that what I'm feeling has become such a blow
to my life that was once lonely and cold
and knew no love 'cos it's only for the bold.

So I gave everything and I did my best
to change myself, and that became a test.
A test for me if I know what's inside -
inside of myself that I can never hide.

So I changed myself and -grow up- I tried,
but then I felt that a part of me has died.
My soul feels like it has been torn apart
as though I have been shot at the heart.

It hurts so much and I try to forget
this thing I feel but do not regret.
But as I think about what I should do,
it reminds me more that what I'm feeling is true.

Now listen to this so I can get over with.
Good or bad, I know not what kind of deed.
But on doing this, I may find peace -
so just one last thing, pay attention to this:

"I love you" is what I wish to say -
but words are not enough to keep this feeling at bay.
But I know that there's no other thing to do
'cos I know, though it hurts, I'll always love you.

--

http://sweetfuzzyteddy.blogspot.com/2005/12/beyond-words.html